Riverdale is the most perfect show on TV

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I do not claim to be an expert on many things, but I am very well versed on one thing: TV watching. If they say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert, then gosh darn it I’ve earned my credentials. And that’s why I can say with complete confidence that Riverdale is the most magnificent show on television right now, because it is completely bananas.

This show has everything: Murder, creepy fog-shrouded woods, maple syrup, hot people hooking up, high schoolers wearing stilettos, black leather jacket gangs, twincest (hey, it was already trendy), political intrigue, red neon-lit bars, characters named Hiram and Hermione, hot dads, a drug called jingle jangle, fantastic one-liners and total disregard for narrative sense.

Riverdale has notes of Pretty Little Liars, but it goes way harder; it tackles dark issues, but with a ruthlessness and edge that makes the Canadian earnestness of Degrassi feel super tame. It’s basically all the best parts of Twin Peaks, set to a soundtrack that I’m a little ashamed to like as much as I do. And then there’s the ongoing narration by Cole Sprouse, who I have complicated feelings for because I watched the Suite Life of Zach and Cody when I babysat in high school. But the absolute best part of Riverdale is that it is completely absurd. I can’t watch this show without cackling at the TV and exclaiming to myself, because WTF am I watching? This show is everything I could ever ask for.

This conversation pertained to a single episode.

I only started watching Riverdale because I came across so many pre-premiere reviews that compared it to Twin Peaks, the OG fav murder show that speaks to my ENFP soul. I watched the first two episodes on demand, and then casually started checking in week by week to catch up on my guilty pleasure. Halfway through the first season, I realized I was actively looking forward to it and learned to embrace my truth. I caught myself wanting to talk about it with anyone who might care. When season 2 premiered, I took on the obsessive habit of reading recaps from as many sources as possible, with Vulture’s writer being my favorite – she has fun with it. (I know this seems to be a pretty saturated market, it if anyone needs a recap writer for season 3, please, please take me.) When my fiancé began wearing his gray beanie at all hours because he needed to schedule a haircut, I couldn’t hold back the Jughead references.

Forgive the terrible lighting, but it’s uncanny, no??

Also, I think Cheryl Blossom might just be my favorite character of all time.

She’s a crazy badass who shoots a bow and arrow (???), she’s a hot redhead, and she casually rattles off the sickest burns in the show, hands down. At least once a week I think about this scene and LOL to myself about how Cheryl says “Cousin Betty.” And while Season 1 Cheryl’s antics prompted a lot of “Did they or didn’t they” inquiries about her murdered brother, Season 2 Cheryl has no time for ain’t-shit dudes because she’s crushing on ass-kicking ladies like Toni. (Side note: I’ve been fantasizing about Serpent Cheryl and this moment made me 😍) Lately I find myself, in small ways, embracing my inner Serpent (don’t judge). I can’t wait to see where Cheryl takes this show next. After her Carrie musical episode I’m pretty sure anything is possible.

And so, in closing, consider this my PSA: Do yourself a favor and binge some Riverdale. Cackle at your TV. Turn to your dog or say to no one in particular, “I love this show.” It’s so much better than being in the real world.

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